I find myself on the edge, falling forward in what those who know of Assassins Creed would call, a Leap of Faith. It is while the balls of my feet still feel the solidity of the ledge and my toes dangle helplessly over the nothingness, do I understand the implications of such a leap. I flail my arms around trying to somehow push myself back, my toes push down on nothing but air and my heart catches in my throat as fear shoots through my whole body, paralysing me. I look down at the ineviatble and begin to wonder where the faith that had led me this far had disappeared to. Had it seeped out my pores in an increased adrenal rush? Had it escaped through my sudden gasp for air as I realized I would be falling head long into the unknown.
“Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?”
Little faith is what I indeed had in that moment of fear and trepidation. It was not uncommon to have scripture suddenly overwhelm me in moments such as these and Matthew 8:26 went straight to the heart. I of little faith…who lacked trust in the Almighty, Sovereign Provider. Was it not my faith in Him that led me all the way up this tower, trusting in His unfailing love, in His faithfulness, in His guidance! Indeed it was! So why then does my faith fail me now, in these last seconds when I need Him most. Why does my fear make weak my faith.
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance”
Endrunce. It was with endurance that I had begun to run…feeling weightless and free, that is, until I arrived at this tower. A dark presence, stretching to the sky, looming over me with a menacing overbearance that immediately put my trust and faith in turmoil; and yet I stepped forward towards it. With great perseverance and a strength that came not from myself, I found myself climbing upwards over perilous broken beams, edging across millimeter thick ledges and reaching only half way, my faith began to waver. However, even during those trying moments I trudged on, climbing ever higher to reach the apex of this perilous dark tower. With a motivation that surpassed all earthly incentives, I arrived at the pinnacle of the tower, exhausted yet fueled with a deep desire to…to…to live by faith. I realize that my eyes have been closed; I see light penetrating through my eyelids to illuminate the darkness and I feel the rush of wind pushing up against me.
I open my eyes to see the ground rushing up at me. For a second I panic again, but a certain calm also rises in a deep warmth. It begins on the left hand side of my chest, seeping down into my abdomen and up into my lungs; spreading. Radiating. I spread my arms out like an eagle spreading its wings, feeling a grin stretch across my face and the refreshing gust of upward wind as gravity pulls me towards the ground. I exclaim a shout of ecstasy as I tumble my body forward, watching the ground below transition from the mud-caked earth to the dark stone of the tower and finally to the blue of the sky. There is but a second to grasp the true height of the tower before I land into the softness of hay. Safety.
I lay within the warm confines of my hay sanctuary, wondering why I had lost faith right at the end of my perilous climb when all I had to do was trust. Indeed it was by faith that I had climbed the tower, reached its apex, stood at its ledge and fearlessly began to lean forward. It was by faith that I knew I would be safe even when I knew I would be falling headlong into the unknown. Indeed my faith was in Him who provides, who watches over His own, who is Sovereign over all. Indeed it was in Him that I walked by faith.
This tower represents challenges, obstacles and sin that overwhelm the body and mind, causing a weakness and wavering of faith and trust in God. I found myself climbing up this tower, reaching the top and thinking that I had made it. Then I was told I need to jump and that if I trust, I’d find safety at the bottom. Guaranteed.I am currently free-falling down my tower and awaiting to land in the safety of whatever lies at the bottom. I’ve had moments of pure fear and moments of pure faith. Indeed my mind and heart has been in turmoil however the Word of God has been pulling me back up to my feet and pushing me along to run with endurance. I will end this post with this:
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.